If My Favorite Television Characters Ran the USA

I really enjoy presidential campaigns. They are full of drama and comedy and oh so many questions. Is America ready for a female president? Is America ready for a black president? Is America ready for a Mormon president? Is America ready for a stone cold fox (John Edwards) president? Besides the candidates, there is the political milieu. Where will America be come the 2008 election? Will we be voting in submarines since we will be living underwater due to global warming? Will Iraq be under water? I ask because I am not sure if the whole planet will be underwater or just certain areas. The Middle East seems so dry maybe it will take longer to be submerged. Maybe it will go through a swamp stage? Will be able to provide our troops with the swamp war gear they need?

I also really enjoy television. I watch a lot of television and when I am not watching it I am thinking about television. So it is only natural I combine these two interests and imagine an America where my favorite TV characters are running the show. I have not thought through the whole presidential cabinet, just the positions I think are important.

Jack Shepherd (“LOST”) is a natural for our next commander-in-chief. Currently, he is the unofficial leader of a diverse group of survivors from the doomed Oceanic Airlines flight 815. Jack gracefully navigates the unpredictable terrain of island life and manages to address the needs of his varied constituency while trying to achieve diplomatic relations with the persistently mysterious and hostile “others.” But don’t think that he is all talk. Jack is so not afraid to cut into your kidney sack and let you bleed to death if he does not get his way. Also, he seems to be able to deal with the French. Before attaining power on this uncharted island, Jack was a leader back home where he blew the whistle on his alcoholic surgeon father whose medical license was revoked. No nepotism in the Shepherd White House. Speaking of the WhiteHouse, President Jack will not be living there since there is no telling when (if ever) he will get off that confounding island.

Since President Jack will be operating outside the continental US it will be the Vice President’s job to be the face of the executive branch. Claire Bennett (“Heroes”) will be the one to travel the country and to connect with the people; hear them and maybe even“cheer” for them. Detractors may say something like“legally she is ineligible to be the VP since she is 16 years old” but I would counter that Hiro could manipulate the space/time continuum and make it work somehow. Also, there is a subculture of presidential assassins in this nation and since they will not be able to get at Jack they will follow the chain of command and go after Claire and we all know she cannot die. No matter the method, she will regenerate and heal and maybe even videotape it and post it onYouTube. “Save the Cheerleader, Save the World.”

While Claire is taking the pulse of the nation, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace (“Battlestar Galactica”), our nextSecretary of State, will be serving as our ambassador for all politics both international and intergalactic. Starbuck, a determined woman with no planet to call home, has extensive expertise in dealing with foreigners (AKA: anyone not from Caprica). Since she is so inept at personal relationships, she will have plenty of time to represent the interests of the US as she travels about the Earth (if only she could find it!) and other planets. Keep in mind there is a good chance that she is cylon meaning that like vice president Claire she cannot be killed and more importantly this dual citizenship will enable her to effectively manage the inevitable “peace summits” with the aliens currently menacing (i.e. abducting) the human race. Also, she is a damn fine viper pilot.

In a post 9/11 world where domestic and international threats abound it is especially crucial to have the right team in place to protect our national interests.The appointments of Jack Bauer (“24”) as Secretary of Defense and Gil Grissom as Secretary of Homeland Security (“CSI”) will feel like a warm hug from two very big brothers. The combined strategic and forensic prowess of Jack and Grissom will keep us safe until construction of the highly anticipated “terror dome”(which will keep out immigrants, cylons, and the environment) is completed. As a nation, we must accept that our civil liberties are gone and not coming back. So just sit back and feel safe as Jack goes about his business of racial profiling and torture, and please allow Grissom collect a swab of DNA from your cheek. After all, if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear.