The True Story of Steven Slater and Naomi Campbell: A Play in Four Acts

The two hottest stories of the week, reimagined by Andrea as one Superstory.

Act I: The Airplane

Passengers are settling into their seats on an airplane. It's Jetblue, so there's no business class. On the overhead, flight attendant Steven Slater begins making announcements, reminding folks to share the overhead bins and place smaller items under the seats by their feet. Amid the usual chatter a shrill voice overtakes the cabin. Mr. Slater walks back to where a tall Naomi Campbell is removing items from the overhead even as passengers are putting them in. She's becoming more and more agitated, wanting an entire bin for her handbag, claiming that the other passengers' bags are "dirty". Mr. Slater tries to diffuse the situation, asking Ms. Campbell to allow others to place their bags first and hers can nestle in the front, for her to easily access. She refuses and when Mr. Slater suggests she place it on the floor, she screams, "are you crazy?!" and attacks him on the head with her cell phone. Mr. Slater leans in and demands an apology. Ms. Campbell says something unintelligible.* Mr. Slater storms to the front of the plane, tells the passengers to f off and deploys the emergency slide. He grabs a Heineken prior to his egress.

Act II: UN Tribunal

Rewind to one week prior. Ms. Campbell, carrying the same handbag she will have on the plane from Pittsburgh to JFK, is hounded by paparazzi. She's just testafied at a UN tribunal indictment of Charles Taylor. Off to the side, a ruddy complexioned, blue eyed, manly man (who doesn't look gay. AT ALL) catches her eye. She momentarily pauses and nearly trips (but Ms. Campbell, in 25 years on the runway, has never tripped). She catches her breath and their gazes lock.

Act III: The Dinner Party

Thirteen years prior to the flight, a dinner party in South Africa. Ms. Campbell has been a flirty face with Charles Taylor all night, while her frizzy haired and glasses wearing assistant (not to be mistaken for Mia Farrow) sulks in the background. Ms. Campbell retires around 2 am and a half hour later there is a knock at her door. Two men in suits present her with a handbag. Inside is a pouch with some small stones. "Magic beans?" wonders Ms. Campbell. She falls into a deep sleep, dreaming of a man, her soulmate, whom she has never met. She dreams they meet in Indianapolis. She awakes and looks again in the pouch and mumbles, "just some dirty stones."

Act IV: Denouement

Four hours post flight/dramatic exit, an undisclosed tropical location. "It's been so long...I thought we'd never be united!" cries Ms. Campbell. "Well, I worked for Jetblue, not United." explained Mr. Slater, and takes a gulp of Heineken.
Same time, but back at JFK, at the Chile's bar. Ms. Farrow is seen with a handbag at her feet, a margarita in her left hand and a small pouch in her right. She smiles and says to no one in particular, "another charitable act completed."

*"Mon amour! I've been waiting half my life for you. Come away with me...love me."