Apologies

Here's a list of apologies I'd like Mrs. Thomas to solicit on my behalf:

Downstairs neighbors, for finishing my laundry detergent.
Massachusetts liquor stores, for being closed on Sundays while I was in college.
Muggers, for causing me distress, but mostly for taking my vintage going-out purse.
The Cats, but especially Soul, for destroying the couch AND for eating through the straps on my best camisoles.
Anthropologie, for taking so much of my money for cute, but not well made, dresses and shirts.
Middle school.
Genetics, for giving me short legs and wide hips.
WA state DMV, for making me spend part of my 23rd birthday in their waiting room.
Ex-boyfriends, for me and my friends (regardless if they did apologize, we never tire of hearing it).