Advice For Tough Times

Times are tough. No doubt you were surprised a few months back when Economic Officials declared the U.S.A in a recession. Turns out that all the job losses, home foreclosures, expensive groceries and limited goods (Wiis stilll hard to find) were not just coincidental.
We've had eight years of free reign in the school yard, and now President Obama has asked that we make hard choices and sacrifices. Here's some advice on how to live in this New Order.

recycling and reusing:

We've all been conditioned to drink our water out of Siggs or Camelbaks, but how far can we take it? While in the Tannery* yesterday an old episode of American Top 40 was on. ET#1 and I were stopped in our tracks as the Long Distance Dedication came on. Instantly time was recycled. Were we in 2009? Or 1989?

ration coupons:

We're in the middle of two wars and thus have to limit our coffee, sugar and gasoline consumption. We've been granted ration cards. Oops, wait. Actually, we've been issued government coupons for the digital tv box converter.

shopping:
Can we go shopping even though we need to use cash not credit? Yes We Can! Go downscale: skirts at Old Navy can be found for $1.99. Or better yet, go upscale. Make a day of shopping at only stores like Barney's and Louis Boston. Make remarks like, "Ah this Ferragamo bag is on sale-- marked down from $1199 to $699-- not bad!" Or, try on BCBG dresses marked down 70%. When the salesclerk asks how you are doing, sigh and say, "I really wanted this in green." Don't buy anything.
(*Unless you need a pair of fur lined boots, to keep you warm when you aren't using your heat. All shoes at the Tannery are buy one pair, the 2nd pair is half off).

With a little determination, elbow grease and ingenuity, we will have Change We Can Believe In!

Alternate (Superhero) Endings to My Recent Mugging

About a month ago, while walking down my street around 7:15 pm, I was mugged, but not hurt, by a group of teenagers in front of a church. They got away with my going out purse, containing my keys, my T pass, my debit card, my license, my phone, and $15.
The following are imagined scenarios with better endings.

1. As the kids snicker about 20 feet behind me, I turn around. I am a vampire and with lightening speed rush towards them. I need only bare my fearsome teeth and they all turn and run.
2. When approached by two kids right behind me, I stop, jab my elbows backward, expertly knocking them both in the chins, a la Angelina Jolie. I then do a roundhouse kick, knocking them both to the ground and step, with my navy patent 4 inch heels, on hand of the one holding the gun, daring the others to continue their assault. They flee in fear.
3. As the kids snicker and approach behind me, a winged Christian Bale/Batman jumps off the daycare building to my right. He wrestles the gun out of the assailant's hand, knocks the heads of two sidekicks together and swoops me to safety.
4. When the kids surround me, I blink my eyes, stopping time like Hiro Nakumura. In stopped time I manuever the kid with the gun to face instead his friend. I remove the belts of the whole group of kids and pull down their hats over their eyes. I hide behind the Mary statue and start time, watching as chaos ensues.
5. I'm walking fast, but not fast enough. The kids surround me. But just then, lightening strikes and thunder rumbles. God comes out of the church and smotes the kids. He is pissed, but I am saved.

In all scenarios, I straighten my jacket, rub a smudge off my right shoe, and continue on to the party that in real life I missed.