Things To Keep In Mind When Meeting My Mother For The First Time

1. My mother thinks that every sitcom/film about a smart, sassy, and silly single woman trying to “juggle it all” is based on my life experiences in Boston. You know, lots of dating hijinks and comical workplace shenanigans. DO NOT tell my mother that I am NOT Sarah Jessica Parker.

2. If you are meeting my mother, then you are a friend of mine. If you are a friend of mine, then my mother loves you. Though I am good enough to be the basis for tv/movie plots, I am not so much deserving of friends. DO NOT freak out when she corners you and “thanks” you for being my “special” friend.

3. My mother is better looking than me. Think of the Judds; Naomi is slim and not-too-tacky, whereas Winona is lumpy and tres gauche. My mother lives on brown rice and vegetables. She once cried when I told her I ate 16 cookies in one sitting. DO NOT ask about my cholesterol level in front of my mother.

4. My mother has never been drunk and has never said the “F” word. True, she did get loopy off a single glass of wine during our last visit to Sol Azteca, and true, I did find her staring blankly at the duct tape selection at Economy Hardware after dinner. DO NOT offer my mother $100 to say the “F” word. (She will not, I have tried before.)

5. Celebrities ranging from Sharon Stone to Catherine Zeta Jones to Warren Beatty have “copied” and/or “stolen” my mother’s hairstyle. Also, she does not have grey hair, but rather ever-desirable silver highlights. DO NOT tell my mother that she looks like Milhouse’s mom from “The Simpson’s” – because that is not funny.