In the midst of the already chaotic 2005 holiday season the last thing I needed was something else to fret over. But, because life is not fair (i.e. bad things always happen to me), I face yet another neurotic hurdle.
Two of my tablespoons are missing.
Some background: I own (or did own) a fine Martha Stewart silverware set for eight.
However, this morning as I was unloading the dishwasher and neatly lining up the silverware in the cutlery drawer I noticed that the stack of tablespoons appeared shorter than would be expected. I counted the spoons. There were six. I looked in the sink to see if there were any dirty spoons. There were not. I did a recount. Still, I counted six tablespoons. I put my head deep in the dishwasher wondering if maybe the spoons were stuck in some spoon-sized crevice. No luck.
Already having a mini meltdown about preparing my apartment for my mother’s upcoming visit, I decided that I could not handle this crisis on my own. Luckily, two of my ever devoted stuffed animals were ready to help. Sabrina Goodlamb and Teddy Mittens are so much more than cuddly creatures, they are trusted advisors.
Teddy Mittens hypothesized that I may have “accidentally” thrown the spoons away. Sabrina scoffed at that theory and explained that the ONLY explanation was that one of my good for nothing human “friends” is screwing with me. I begged her to continue. She expounded on her clever deduction by reminding me that some people find my “neat-freak” ways to be funny and/or annoying and people are so jealous of my clean and well-organized household they feel they must sabotage that which they themselves cannot attain. Teddy Mittens shook his head and told Sabrina to stop feeding my paranoia.
But it was too late, I knew she was right. People are jealous of me. Somebody took two of my tablespoons in an effort to ruin me and my carefully planned holiday festivities.
Well, try again suckers! Have you ever heard of EBay? Yeah, that’s right. I will have two replacement spoons before you can say “obsessive compulsive woman in a black turtleneck in need of a stronger dose of her SSRI.”
But why should we continue this dance? You made your point. Please, just tell me……where the fuck are my spoons?
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1 comment:
I'm posting as the other (better??) half of Zandrea! First, I did not take the spoons. But, while visiting my own family in Seattle, my mom told me that the bread knife was missing, and that there was a $1 reward out for its return. For all the organized and cleanliness of Zara's kitchen, my family's is the opposite. But a 20 year old bread knife does not easily disappear. My hypothesis? The dog, Molly, took it. She had taken another knife out of the dishwasher and it was found a few days later, with teeth marks in the handle. She also filched a spatula last night. I know Molly could not be in Boston while she is in Seattle, but perhaps another animal broke into your apartment and took spoons from the dishwasher?? Perhaps you, too, should offer a reward.
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